STREET RAT

I can’t accept this situation entirely. I can’t allow myself to fling my hands up in the air and say, “Eh, whatever! If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” or some stupid shit like that. I can’t believe that you haven’t learned your lesson. I can’t manifest enough strength to try and fight you. We both become too weak. I can’t imagine living life without you which is why I’m here fighting in the first place. If I didn’t love you I’d find a way to leave you. One thing I know for sure is that I can’t keep going like this. I’m trying to be closer to God and everything inside of me, inside of my heart tries to be better but this hate is going to corrupt me, it’s going to corrupt my soul and my future. I need to get away for my own sanctity/sanity. I’m sorry if one day you find yourself abandoned.

I don’t so much want to “run away” as much as I want her to go away and to leave this family in peace. I wish I had my mother’s strength, optimism, and her ability to laugh at the little things that generally piss me off more than the big things. The big things tend to make me cry or want to drive off a cliff but then I remember that my family needs the car. I do what I do for my family. My father cannot expect me to live under these circumstances and be completely acceptive and to be this perfect child. I have to have my fight and my word, sometimes it tends to be the last one and I guess I’m sorry, sometimes. Shitty apology but an honest apology nonetheless. 

I won’t leave though will I? I won’t leave you to swim in your own feces and rot because I love you. I won’t allow myself to leave you. I can’t. I don’t want to, and I won’t.

perhaps i’ll just get a tattoo to teach you a lesson.

I hate you for being here. I’m upset with you still, yes still, for inviting her here. I’m aggravated, I’m trapped, I’m conflicted. I don’t want to leave you but some days I truly wish that I wouldn’t have to live here with you. Some days I want to leave this little world of mine, full of all my individual problems that subsequently come from your problems, which only fills me with anger and hate. I don’t want to deal with it anymore! What I say or do will not make a difference.